What are we doing to prepare? Playing with our MOBY WRAP!

We are taking advantage of this wait time to make sure we are READY when the little one arrives. One of our fun baby purchases is something called a MOBY WRAP, used to essentially tie the baby to the parent. This is supposed to promote bonding and attachment, and allows you to go about your day if you have a baby who refuses to be put down. When it came in the mail we were surprised that it is basically a strip of cloth that is longer than the length of our condo! We have practiced wrapping it up and my first few tries made me look a bit like a mummy. Here is what it's supposed to look like:

Baby facing in position

Baby facing out

Baby on your back

Look how HAPPY all these people look with the Moby!

This is where our fingerprints are. On the BOTTOM.

Do you hear that sound? It's me banging my head against the wall!

FAQs

We have been getting so many of the same questions from friends and family when we tell them we are fostering. To help people understand the process, here is a compilation of FAQs... and feel free to leave questions in the "comment" section for me to answer as well!

When will you be getting a baby?
As soon as we are officially licensed we will be called to take a baby. All we are waiting for right now are our federal fingerprints to come back, which could be soon or could be in a few months.

Why do children go to a foster home?
Children enter into foster care because of either abuse or neglect by their families. The vast majority of children are removed due to neglect. There are almost always issues of substance abuse, mental illness, or domestic violence (or a combination of these) occuring in the family that lead to the child being abused or neglected. When the child is removed, the state sets up a case plan for the parents to follow in order to get their children back. This may include things like going to rehab, securing housing, getting a job, etc. They have a set amount of time (typically 12 months) to achieve these tasks. If they are successful with their plans, the child will be reunified with the parents. The goal is ALWAYS to reunify the child with the parents. If they can not complete their case plan (after many tries and extensions of timelines, etc) then their parental rights may be severed.

How do you know you will get a baby? What if they call you for an older child?
Foster parents put whatever restrictions they choose on the type of child they are willing to take. Some only want boys, or only girls, some want school age, teens, or infants. Some choose to restrict by race. We are being licensed for one child from birth to age 2 with no other restrictions. That said, there is still a chance we will get called for children outside of this age range. Since there is a great shortage of foster homes in CT, the child placement workers often get desperate looking for a home for a particular child and call anyone with an open spot in their home. In these situations, it is completely up to the foster parents if they are willing to stretch their restrictions and take the child. John and I are firmly committed to our age range and will not accept an older child right now.

How long will you have the child?
It is not easy to predict how long a child will be in our care. The state prefers the child to be with a biological relative (even if it is a distant relative who has never met the child) over a foster home. So if a child is placed with us, and then a relative comes forward, they would be moved to that relative in a matter of days or weeks. If no relatives come forward, the child could be with us for several months, a year, or even two years while the parent works to get the child back. The law says that if a child is in care for 15 months, the parents rights must be terminated so that the child can have permanency but in reality it does not always happen this quickly.

Will you ever be able to adopt the child?
If the parents demonstrate over the course of 1-2 years that they are not improving their situation and will not be suitable parents, the state will file for termination of parental rights (TPR). At this point the child becomes available for adoption. The state will seek out biological relatives again in hopes that one of them will adopt the child. If there are no relatives, then and only then would we be considered as an adoptive placement. If they ask us to adopt and we decide we want to, after about 6 months of legal processes the child becomes a permanent member of our family. If we decline, the child will be transitioned to an adoptive home.

How much notice will you have that a child is coming?
We may get a few days notice, but most likely we will get about 15 minutes. When the state receives a call that a child is being abused or neglected (this is also called getting "hotlined") they send out investigators to the home to assess the risk. If it is found that a child is in imminent danger, they will remove the child on the spot. Then they will look for a home to place the child in immediately. In other situations, they may leave the child in the home while they continue to investigate the family. These are the instances where we could get a call saying "x child MAY be removed in a few days, if they are will you be willing to take them?". For obvious reasons, these situations are less common than the first scenario.

What will you do when the child is placed? What about work?
When we first get a baby, I will take about a week off of work while we all adjust to the transition. During this time we will get daycare set up so that I can return to work.

Will the baby be healthy?
Children with complex medical needs such as a feeding tube or seizure disorder are placed in specially trained homes called medically fragile homes. So the children we get will be *mostly* healthy. However it is common for the children to have developmental delays and other issues as a result of being neglected. It is also possible that the child was exposed to drugs or alcohol in utero. All the children are assessed for these issues and early intervention services are put in place.

Trauma, bonding, and attachment are also going to be issues for these children. All of them will have been through the trauma of being removed from their home and the only caretakers they know. Many will also have experienced other forms of trauma in the home. Because of this, they will need special care especially in the beginning. For example, while a typical 6 month old may be fine if left to "cry it out" at bedtime, it could potentially be very damaging for a traumatized child. The primary task of trust vs. mistrust during infancy is disrupted for these babies, and therefore they will be treated essentially like newborns regardless of their chronological age. It is also very important for the child to bond with us and learn to attach to us as the primary caregivers. Even though they will most likely not stay with us, attaching to us teaches the child to trust which will benefit them greatly in their permanent home.

Why do you want to foster? Why not have your "own" baby?
Given my work experience with foster children, I am well aware of the need for good foster homes in Connecticut. John and I both feel we can provide a loving, stable home for these children and we look forward to doing it. Our desire to foster is in no way a rejection of having biological children, which we look forward to doing in the future. We are choosing to focus on fostering right now.

Edited to add: Any child in our care will be considered "ours" and will be treated the same as a biological child would.

Won't it be hard when the baby leaves?
Yes! Of course it will. The way we see it, we are adults and can handle the pain of a child leaving. We would rather take on that pain than have a child go without a loving home.

So, did I cover everything?

The waiting game

John and I had our last home visit and interviews last week. Now the only thing we are waiting for is our federal fingerprints/background check to come back. The tough part is there is no set timeline for how long this takes. Our social worker said some come back in less than 6 weeks, while others can take 3 months or more. Since our prints were taken December 12th, this means we could get a call next week or we could have to wait until March! It is hard for us to wait knowing that there are so many kids out there who need homes and here we are all ready but can't take one! In the meantime, we are just spending as much time as possible doing things we won't be able to do once a little one is here... getting lots of sleep, having quiet time together, going out with friends, working on the house, etc. I am also reading up on as much about infant care as possible so I will be ready when the time comes.

Well on our way

Where we are in the process:

Steps Completed:
-Attended orientation session in Hartford
-Passed the initial home walk-through
-Completed the 30 hours of training
-Got our fingerprints taken
-Finished all paperwork (homework, references, every form of identification imaginable, questionnaires, financial statements, medical forms, proof of employment, etc.)
-Second home visit

Steps to go:
-Final home visit and individual interviews
-Wait 2 weeks for social worker to write up our home study
-Wait for results of fingerprints to come in
-Get a call for our first placement!

So right now we are looking at about a month, maybe more until our first placement comes through the door. We are very anxious but excited! In the meantime we are trying to get ready as best we can. It is hard to be prepared for any age child from newborn to 2, and there are some things we will need to wait to buy. Right now I'm just thinking of all the "what ifs"... what if we get a child with terrible injuries? What if the child is being abused right now? What if we get a toddler who hates us and cries all day? What if we get a baby who cries all night? What if they were only fed cheetos and mountain dew and they refuse to eat anything we give them?

The hardest part about the process so far is just the unknowns.

The only thing I know for sure is that when a little one arrives we will be here to shower him or her with love for as long as we can.